The Best Sibling on Earth is Me

Every year on Christmas, my well-meaning but unfortunate sister gets every person on her list the same thing: plain t-shirts from her work.

It's fine.

Let me tell you, it is just so, absolutely, emphatically fine.

But it is not fine with me.

So I decided to be different. You know, this radical thing called putting thought into gift giving.

From me, my sister gets thoughtful, appropriate gifts that take time, and effort.

I don't just grab something from the defective products bin on my way out of the office.

One year, I got her socks with photos of raw meat on them. Why? Everyone always needs more socks.

At least these are fun. Excuse me for having joy in my life.

She didn’t like those at all, naturally. I guess I should've gotten some greyish white fruit of the loom bullshit.

So, because I am so thoughtful, the next year I got her more food themed socks, this time with vegetables. She really didn’t like that.

"No more socks Kevin! I don't need any more socks from you! Every time I wear them people think I'm some sort of freak!"

The year after, I got her cat socks, to switch things up, you know? Because I'm fucking spontaneous sometimes.

And not just one kind. She got 30 different pairs of cat socks. Why? I figured when she said "no more" she really meant "many more."

How can you not love these?

Do you see this variety?? This borders on art!

Do you know how hard it is to find 30+ unique cat socks?? I had to start preparing in August!

Do you know how long it takes to pull a box out of the sample bin at your workplace?? Seconds.

Where’s my medal ffs?

This took time. Dedication. Love as only a sibling can deliver.

Yet, she told me, with gritted teeth, explicitly “No more cat socks.”

Fine. That’s FINE.

So the next year, being the considerate obedient brother I am, I obliged.

I got my sister precisely zero cat socks, breaking my tradition.

Life's fun when you can shatter norms, right?

And instead, I got her cat watches, cat phone cases and cat books.

To me, her dear brother, she said: “WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS? I don’t want it! It’s a waste! I take it all straight to Goodwill! Just stop it, Kevin!”

How dare she.

I just said, “Your commitment to serving the underprivileged is heartwarming and I’m so glad I can be a part of it. #blessed”

Vomit.

This year, I’m going to follow her esteemed example, and just grab whatever’s new in a box near the door at my work on Dec 24th at 4:55 pm.

Although I sell services not goods so that’ll most likely be a box of paper clips or a legal pad or something. Maybe some printer ink. That shit’s expensive.

And then one day, as I was searching the internet for gifts as a way of reminiscing back on simpler times when people still cared about each other and Christmas was Christmas and not just another passing day and decency was an not an ideal but an expectation, you know, back before my sister murdered my enthusiasm in a dark alley with a prison shiv.

And then I saw it.

For my final act, my sister will receive something that took me, an agéd heathen knownothing, by surprise.

After December 25th, I will post an update with the gift. I cannot risk ruining the surprise.

Right before the curtain is called on the joy of youth and I retire to a life of CVS gift cards and Applebee's desserts, I will have my last hurrah.