A Nice Jewish Guy learns a lesson on LinkedIn

Do you know what I hate?

Cocktail onions?

Hootie and the Blowfish?

Myself?

I fucking hate Linkedin. It's a perfect microcosm for everything I hate about people.

There is only one appropriate facial expression to have when browsing LinkedIn:

Typical LinkedIn post

Nobody: " ."

Rando:

For months, I was selfless, egoless, and perfect. I used drama, and commas, with reckless abandon. Gasped, they did, at my tired aphorisms. I'm trying to build, anticipation, is what they call it. Superlatives streamed from my mouth like the great waters of Niagara Falls. Dramatic photos were included, dozens, upon, dozens. I am smug , so, so, smug. I am seeking adulation, desperately.

It's pretty much just awful.

But the worst people, the worst, are the ones who pretend to know what they're talking about, and just ramble on about nothing while trying to sell their shady services.

This is a story about one of those people.

And a very important lesson I learned.

You see, somehow this undeveloped leech-being affixed itself to my LinkedIn feed, and I began seeing its posts from time to time. To anyone with a modicum of knowledge in advertising, what they're saying is non-sensical word vomit, and what they're selling is the grand service of copy/pasting one paragraph of code on a website, for hundreds of dollars.

I repeat:

I ignored this hell-being, but I kept my eye on it.

Keep in mind, you're talking to a bullshit artist of unparalleled pretension. Literally I read this book, for fun, in the 7th grade.

So if you think you know your way around a thesaurus, ya ain't got shit on me. I practically majored in using complicated language to say simple things.

I digress.

Here's the virulent emesis I saw from that trifling dilettante:

I really really hate people. But I really really really hate people who try to weaponize their amateur knowledge of level to scrape an easy buck off other people. Nonsensical jargon and aggressive wording to try to intimidate people into paying for free services.

I had to work like to hell to crawl out of private for profit education, and that climb took up most of my 20s and my 20s were unpleasant for a lot of people.

I decided I had nothing to gain by engaging by calling out this charlatan, so I ignored it and went on with my day.

And a couple weeks passed.

And then I received, from the simpleton herself:

My immediate reaction:

Madame LordGodQueen of Marketing over here, coming to me for work? I would rather put a pushpin into my forehead to see how thick the skin is than work with her for even 10 minutes.

And then I got all sanctimonious and shit. Maybe I can make a difference. Maybe I can make her realize the error of her ways. Maybe I can just call her out on her bullshit and she'll block me and I'll never have to hear from her again.

And then she admitted she was wrong, begged for forgiveness and I received medals and a standing ovation!

Just kidding.

She blocked me but only after:

1. going to my profile
2. writing down all my former employers
3. personally calling and emailing each of them to claim I was harassing her online.

Ummm.......

 

Sooooo awkward.

I had to file a police report.

"How do you know when I have graduated?" says the person who literally just told me when they graduated.

Alas, I must blame myself. I broke the first rule of the internet. Never engage. You can't fix stupid, and you shouldn't fuck with crazy.